Al's Take on Darwin
by Numdenu
Summary: Now a TWOshot!. Alphonse tries to present a look into Darwin's Theory, but everything goes awry. Yawn. Rated for swearing, innuendo, and bickering. Whoot.
1. The okay end

Holy Smores, it's a Full Metal Alchemist OneShot! WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THIS WORLD?

Chibi Link: More importantly, when are you gonna update my fic?

Oh, shut your yap. Now then….

CL: You know your security's in this, so you're defenseless.

…Well this fic has something that all my others don't! Guess what it is?

CL: -drinking Pepsi-

…A PREWRITE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

CL: -spews out Pepsi- A WHAT!

A prewrite.

CL: Oh, I thought you said something else.

Al: -raps on computer screen- Hellooooo….

Ummm…FIC TIME!

P.S: I OWN NOTHING JOO NOOBS!

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Alphonse popped out on stage. "Hello everyone, and welcome to 'Al's Take on Darwin,' where I'll explain the theory of Evolution in a really simplified way. I'd like to warn everyone before we start that this fanfic may contain the following: Randomness, Ridiculous costumes, Violent jarring motions, Absurdity, Rats, Bickering, People burning, Mention of Tobacco, Disturbing concepts, Theatrical smoke, and traces of peanuts. If you are allergic to or intolerant of any of the above things, we advise you to click the Back button at this time.

"So, let's start, shall we? Let's say we have a gene that isn't prominent at first, but in later times, becomes a big problem. An example of such a gene is the 'Sleeping Smoker' gene. We're sorry, but Havoc was sick today, so we had to get a replacement. So, let's go to—"

"Dammit Al, that's MY coat!" roared Ed as he jumped onto the stage.

Al sighed. "Well gee, excuse me if I don't have any other outfits!"

"Well then, go buy some!"

"What, you think I'm some kinda mall rat? I'm not a girl."

"Look Al," Ed tried to explain, "a man goes shopping when he needs to. You need to. It's only a girly trend if you have plenty of what you buy, except in the case of food, of course, but that's off topic. Now, you really need to, because that's your only outfit and you don't own it; I do."

"Then where'd you get your outfit then, Brother?"

"The director for Conquerors of Shambala made me wear it."

Al glared. "That's nice, now if you'll excuse me, I'm in the middle of something." With that, he unceremoniously shoved Ed offscreen.

"Now where were we? Ah yes, the Sleeping Smoker gene. So, let's go to a demonstration." The scene cut to a nice cottage up on a hill, with the woods all around. Risa Hawkeye was sitting boredly on the steps to the aforementioned cottage. "First we need to introduce the Sleeping Smoker gene through a mutation."

Risa glared at the camera. "I'm not going to do _that_, you pervert kid."

"No, Risa, you don't need to do _that_. The screen will cut to someone else…besides, this is rated T, and that's too low for _that_." Risa went back to sitting boredly. "Right, so, say…a photon! Yes, that's it! A photon hits her, embedding a gene into her genetic code! So, about x years later…."

The screen cuts to a rather hilarious scene: Roy is asleep standing up, with a bow and arrow in his hands. Apparently, he was aiming for something but fell asleep before he could fire the arrow. Scar was standing in the background looking extremely pissed and wearing a cartoon lion suit.

"Since tobacco had not been discovered yet, this gene mostly led to just the rather rare scenario where someone fell asleep randomly," Al explained.

Risa popped back up. "Okay, is this demonstration saying I'm related to Roy?"

"You're just actors, relax. No one's gonna infer anything, and if someone does, the Authoress says you have permission to shoot that person." Oh God, now Al is talking about the third person omniscient.

"Can I get out of this suit now?" Scar growled.

The screen cut back to Al up on stage. "Eventually, shamans discovered tobacco, and that's where the Sleepy Smoker gene made its first impression. It really didn't make that much of a difference, but was pretty funny to hear about nonetheless."

And yet again the scene changes to Envy and Gluttony wearing strange headdresses and smoking peace pipes. Gluttony fell asleep on top of his pipe in such a way that his clothes caught on fire. Envy only watched flabbergasted as the other Homunculus burnt away to nothing. Then he shrugged and tried to take a puff on the pipe, but when he exhaled into the air, smoke didn't come out of his mouth.

Envy glared at the camera. "Wait a minute, when you inhale smoke from tobacco, you can breathe it out through your mouth! What's up with this, here? There's only the smoke!"

"Errmmm…" Al paused for a second. "Well, due to health reasons, there is no real tobacco used in the making of this fanfic. Instead, inside the peace pipe is a tiny smoke machine."

"So this is just lame old theatrical smoke…" Envy puzzled this.

"Correct. As for the fire, well…that's why we chose Gluttony for that part. No one likes him." Al cleared his throat. "Moving on then…pause for a minute. I gotta go to the bathroom quick."

Envy slapped his forehead.

"Don't forget to wash your hands!" called Hoenheim from offscreen.

"What are you doing here?" Envy glared at Hoenheim.

"Well, I just so happen to be in the next scene. So if you'll excuse me…hey! Why are you looking past me?" he shouted at the Homunculus, who was staring wide-eyed at something else before bolting off.

Before Hoenheim could ask what was going on, Ed and Scar ran past him screaming. Thus, Hoenheim deemed it unimportant for some reason and sat down.

That was a bad idea, because what was behind him was a swarm of very angry rats.

Elsewhere….

Ed slammed the door behind him. "God, we're gonna be eaten alive by those things!"

"I know…they're everywhere!" Envy panted.

Scar lit a candle. "We have no food or water…either we get eaten, or we die of malnutrition in this…dark room." No, it's NOT a closet, so don't get any ideas, people. The room was quite spacious, actually.

"We're gonna DIEEEEEE!" Envy wailed. Ed contented himself with banging his noggin against the wall, while Scar was left to sit boredly and fantasize about a Rat BBQ.

Outside…elsewhere…yeeeah….

The rats were everywhere. He was trapped by a cascade of black fur, beady eyes, and sharp, chisel-like teeth. He pressed himself up against the wall, trying to escape the onslaught. Fear crept down on him, keeping him from screaming out….

In much less dramatic terms, Al had been cornered on his way back from the restrooms. But he was saved very unexpectedly by someone…unexpected, I guess. Whoot, repeating words. Wait…NOOOOO! THEY'RE EVIL! AIEEEE!

Anyway…he was saved by….

"BOOOOOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!" Wrath popped up between Al and the rats, with his thumbs touching his ears and his fingers wiggling in the air. The rats' eyes went wide, before they clambered over each other in an attempt to escape.

Al blinked. "Wrath? How the hell did that scare off the rats?"

"Well…" Wrath explained, "it's not what I did, it's me. See, they've been scared of me ever since I took up Mouse Poking as a hobby." Wrath then picked up one of the rats and started jabbing it hard.

"Errrr…it's safe to come out, everyone!" Al shouted. There was silence for a minute, before the door to the dark room was flung open.

"HUZZAH!" Envy and Ed cried at the same time as they burst out. Scar just walked out and examined the label on the door: 'Ladies Restroom'.

Back to our presentation, shall we?

Hoenheim sat in a chair holding a tube-shaped smoke machine wrapped in white paper to make it look like a ciggy.

"Eventually, cigarettes were made and smoking became popular. That's when the true horror of the Sleepy Smoker gene showed itself," explained Al as Hoenheim fell asleep with the fake ciggy hanging out of his mouth. "Sorry, we're not gonna burn him."

Envy popped in with a torch. "If you won't, then I will! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He cackled evilly as he set Hoenheim's clothes on fire and watched the man burn away.

The screen switched back to Al, who had a look similar to O.o

"You know," said Ed coming onto the stage, "this didn't explain the real Darwin's theory. Wasn't his theory about how creatures evolve?" Hey, wait a minute…Ed said! That rhymes! YAY RHYME!

After a moment of silence, Al sighed. "The Authoress says that people have to review if they want the real theory. This is just part of it; how a gene can survive for millennia until the right conditions are met for it to surface."

"Would you stop talking about the third person omniscient?" Ed sighed.

"And what are you gonna do about it?"

"You wanna see what I can do, punk?"

"Bring it on, Shrimpy!"

" HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A SHRIMP WHO WOULDN'T BE NOTICED IF HE WAS EATEN BY A KILLER PINHEAD!"

"I didn't say that, just Shrimpy! Nothing about a pinhead."

"I'M NOT SHORT!"

"You're seventeen. I'm thirteen. We're the same height. Face it, you're short."

"NO I'M NOT! STOP CALLING ME SHORT!"

Al sighed and turned to the audience. "Fin."

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You heard the kid. If you want the rest of Darwin's Theory covered, review and beg for it. Five should cut it.

CL: In other words, Four plus Silver Ferret.

I guess. Man, I just know school's gonna suck this year.

CL: How so?

Well, I have to wake up at an UNGODLY hour because my German class starts at 7:40, and then I get on a bus and get shipped back to my own school, where I have seven MORE periods waiting for me, including Algebra 1 and the advanced Science class. I swear, I better get half a year off sometime in the future!

Al: Okay, Security reporting for duty. I've done my part in this fic, now where's my salary?

CL: HE gets a SALARY?

It's just half an hour with a cat, jeez. –gives Al kitty-

CL: That's it?

Yup. You aren't missing out on much.

Ed: REVIEW, PEONS!

-.- You aren't supposed to be here, Ed.


	2. The crappy end

o.o

Chibi Link: Watching another FMA DVD, weren't you?

...Dang, Ed's a human cockroach!

CL: Last episode, I take it?

Yup. CONQUEROR OF SHAMBALA TIME!!!

Al: (-coughs-)

CL: You've already seen it.

Meh, so friggin' what? HEIDERICH D-(censored to prevent spoilers)!!!

Al: (-coughs louder-)

Yo, Muse, you having a coughing fit or sumpin?

CL: That's not me.

Gee, who's coughing, I wonder?

Al: (-coughs into microphone-)

...Now that I think about it, where's Al?

Al: (-speaking into microphone-) HERE!!! Geez, I was trying to get your attention before!

Okay, whatever. Here's your script, now GO!

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Al trotted onto the stage. "Okay, welcome back to 'Al's Take on Darwin,' where this time around I'll explain the REAL Theory of Evolution. Sorry about last time, by the way. Now, before we begin, I'd like to warn you all that this chapter is rated for and contains birds, innuendo, steep drops, German, dragons, vampires, ad lib nonsense, firearms, use of said firearms, Envy, the dark, janitors, absence of plotline, swearing, islands, and milk. People allergic to or intolerant of these should click-" An explosion interrupted his speech, and Al turned to see the green dragon from Conqueror of Shambala burst through the wall, apparently wrapped up in an epic battle with Ed. "BROTHER! What the hell?!"

Ed snatched his younger sibling's microphone and transmuted it into a throwing dagger, which he promptly chucked at the beast. "_Entschuldigung!_"

"...Well, there's the dragon, Envy, and the German," sighed Al, producing another microphone from his pocket. "Now, Darwin developed his theory by studying birds, so we've gotten a few actors together to represent these birds. Let's go to them now."

The scene switches to an isolated island drifting in the middle of the ocean, and stranded upon it was Scar in a ridiculous looking feathery outfit with cardboard wings stuck with duct tape to his arms. "This is stupid," he growled. "Very, very unbelievably stupid.

"Now, there was at one point one species of bird on one particular island. However, some birds got stranded on other islands... somehow...and they evolved," Al explained as the scene changed to a different island with Riza standing on it, wearing a different colored feathery outfit.

Riza sighed. "Kid, you aren't inferring that-"

"NO!" Al burst out. "Of course not! That's just plain weird!"

"Good." Riza clicked the safety off her gun and shot a coconut in half. "Because otherwise, that would be your head."

Al gave no answer, only scampered away quietly.

----------

"Go fish." Greed scowled as he drew a card from the deck.

"Dang, you're tough, lady!"

Lust smiled appreciatively. "Why, thank you."

"Not a compliment."

"PEANUTS!" Mustang cried. "Get over here and buy some PEANUTS!"

"Hmmm..." Lust stroked her chin. "That's not a bad idea. Greed, just wait here and dwell on you loss, okay?"

Greed sighed dejectedly. "Why do I have a bad feeling in my gut about this?" He was answered with a blood-curdling scream. "Ah, that's why."

----------

"Holy..." Havoc was staring at the bloody body of Lust, her skin now looking albino pale as her blood seeped out onto the ground. For some reason, he had expected more blood. Much more. A lot of it was just...missing. Gone. Like someone had swept it away...

Or sucked it up. It would make sense; the cause of death seemed to be two holes in her neck, like a snake bite, but larger. This could only add up to one thing in Havoc's mind...

"VAMPIRES!!!!!"

"_Was?_" Ed peeked from around the corner, apparently done fighting Envy the Dragon for the day. "_Was ist DAS???_"

"ED! VAMPIRES! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" Havoc proceeded to run around in panicked circles.

Ed said nothing.

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"So...I'm supposed to be a bird that evolved from the Riza species..." Fuery looked apprehensively at his feathery garb.

Scar sighed. "You know, I think the readers get it. Darwin's theory is that creatures evolve. We've done our job, so let's get out of these ridiculous costumes and go home." And he stormed off the set, ripping feathers off as he went.

Riza blinked. "He's right. Bye, Fuery."

"W-wait!!!" Fuery cried, racing after. "Don't leave me alone out here!!!"

A few minutes passed until finally, Al realized the Scary Lady with the Gun was gone. It took him another five seconds to realize that his actors were gone, as well. "Oh, fiddlecats. What now?"

"_Keine Ahnung,_" Ed shrugged as he mystically appeared by his younger brother.

"Brother, enough German already! Could you please speak intelligible English?"

"_Nein._"

"ARRRGH!"

"_Und Auf Weidersehen zu du auch._" With that, Ed strolled off nonchalantly.

"BROTHER!!! Oh for the love of—ah, never mind." Al huffed in frustration. "Well, I guess this thing is dead now. So...I bid you farewell." And the lights flickered out.

"And you better be a light sleeper...I'm rather hungry tonight!" The speaker flashed silver-white fangs towards the camera.

Of course, the speaker/vampire was revealed to be Al by a passing janitor who flicked the lights back on in the background.

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...Dude, this sucked. I really think this sucked.

CL: It's what they get...after all, we didn't get five reviews.

Well yes, but...oh, never mind. I just really think this sucked.

CL: So you're going to finish up your dusty "Rambtings" and move on to Sacred Stones.

Yeah...I really don't feel I did these peeps justice. But if I get a lot of nice reviews, I may decide to further humiliate myself.


End file.
